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We have Zelensky’s raccoon (and we will not surrender him)



We have President Zelensky’s raccoon—he came of his own free will, more or less. He is an amiable creature with exquisite taste—he never supped from a garbage can in all his life.


He rides shotgun in a Tigr—Zelensky’s raccoon. He has clawed the upholstery and covered us in white feathers made from plastic. We don’t care. We have your raccoon, Zelensky.


The raccoon is at the wheel, Zelensky—and we cannot be held responsible for his actions. We have consulted with Lavrov—there will be a diplomatic incident, Zelensky.


He has whispered in my ear, Zelensky. “The jig is up, throw down your arms,” he said—the raccoon, not Sergey. Can you fight the ghost of Tunguska, Zelensky? No—we thought not.

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