If someone asked me, “Do you believe there is a God?” I would say, “I have no doubt there is a God”. However, that would not be the complete truth, so that if they followed up the question I would have to say, “I have no doubt there is a God, but it is not the God you have in your mind—but it is very similar, it is almost exactly like what you think God is, but it isn’t; and so I say ‘I have no doubt there is a God’ because most would not understand what I meant if I tried to explain what I really meant, then they would get confused and not think it is true at all—so it is simpler this way.”
But if they pressed me and said, “What is this ‘God’ that is almost exactly like what I think God is but isn’t? I have time, explain to me so I am not confused,” I would be forced to say, “Very well, if you want to know what I mean firstly you must be truthful in all you do, to a painful extent—so that you are thrown out of jobs, out of social clubs, so that your lover abandons you, so that all your old friends turn on you, so that you fall out with your family, so that you argue with strangers in cafes and almost come to blows, and so that people in your village hate the sight of you…
Then you must write a certain number of words every day, except when you are very sick, even on Christmas and other holidays, and you must do this for about 7 years until you have, if my projections from my word counter are correct, written something like over 1 million words that are as honest as you can be. While you do this, you must read the Bible, the complete works of Shakespeare, and the complete works of Plato out loud to yourself—along with sundry other works. Then you must use Jungian synchronicity to be guided to a secluded spot in the Scottish highlands, to a stone circle in Oxfordshire, to a stone circle in Cornwall where you will see the gods…
Perhaps also you should stare at a white wall for 8 hours without a break, and at the sky in a park for 9 hours, 9 minutes, and 9 seconds—and spend a month meditating for 8 hours a day, like a job you go to every day; and then you should find a woman with square pupils, who is an Irish goddess in disguise (though she doesn’t know it, because she has forgotten), and have her speak like an oracle a new alphabet for you to write in that nobody in the world can read except you and her. After that, you will understand—know beyond doubt—that there is a God but not God as most people mean by God (though very similar in most respects).”
And the other person will say, “Okay.” And I will say, “Now you see why it is so difficult for me to say what I mean exactly, because it can only be experienced—and while I know that what most people believe God to be, and try to believe exists, is not what God is, it is as close as a man who is insane (but who doesn’t know he is insane) can come to knowing that there is a God. And that is why I say it is true enough to say there is a God, but it is not the total truth—but I cannot tell you the total truth, you must experience it for yourself. I can only point in a direction that worked for me, and yet not every path is the same for all men—so even if you copy everything I do, I cannot promise it will work. Are you satisfied?” And the other person will say, “Maybe.”
This is why most people do not know God exists—and can only hope, can only believe, can only doubt the men who say that he exists. To know God exists will look like madness, but, in truth, it is that everyone is insane—those who know that God exists are mad men who know they are insane, whereas those who doubt God exists or believe God exists are insane men who do not know they are insane. This is the only difference, I am not superior to you—I am mad like you, except I know that I am mad. It is not true superiority, because I am still helpless, being mad, but I have more mercy for other people and for myself because I know we are all mad—that is why I am laughing as I write these words.
“Are you a wise man?” I am absolutely a wise man—and only a wise man would have the impudence to claim that he is wise, for only a clever politician would say “I don’t know, it’s for God to tell” so all the women and men who think like women could sigh and say “ah, he’s so wise”. But, being truthful, I say what I am—and so they say, “Arrogant prick.” But false modesty is the subtlest vanity—and the most frequently exercised.
People talk about God, but they are not really bothered about God—if they were, they would do as I have done. They are too clever for that, too pure—when they talk about God they talk about themselves; when I talk about God I also talk about myself—except I know that I am talking about myself and that I am just a man, whereas they say they are just men but secretly they think they are God.
I am God, I am man—I am both and neither, I am what I am. My mercy for you is infinite, and so is my judgement.